Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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