Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
