i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
