paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
it's like heaven, but drunker
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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