Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
