Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
