Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
