Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I need moral support for this bender
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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