I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
