just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize