Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
