Swine flu. Run for my life!
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
