Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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