Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
