Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
