First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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