I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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