i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
