I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize