i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
