well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sorry about my life...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
