She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
