Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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