She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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