We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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