If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
