I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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