My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize