So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
