So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
