Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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