Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
