Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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