why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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