What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
