I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This is my gift to your gina
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
