he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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