When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
