So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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