***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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