I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
