Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize