whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
