The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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