I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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