my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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