I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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