i would punch a child for taco bell
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
