dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
