On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
