I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
