My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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