don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize