My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
