the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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