if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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