So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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