I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
