Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
