I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
