Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
